and...switch!

alright, i exported this blog and am switching over to a new one.

ready.....

set...

go..... to....

www.bigdreamslittlepurse.blogspot.com

see ya there!

Look who's back

Well, here I am, back to blogging. I've been gone from here for a long time! I need to do some updating and figure some 'blogish' stuff out, but I truly do hope to come here more and more often. Today is going to be a blog workday- wish me luck! :o)

Random Ramblings ahead~

I am not a share-my-feelings-kind-of-girl, so, this post is a toughie to write.

But I had a thought the other night, while making my bed. I was climbing all over the bed trying to fit a down comforter into an IKEA duvet cover. usually I walk laps around the bed trying to get it to fit, this time i climbed and crawled all over the bed, and it was kinda fun. It got me thinking, why don't I do things the fun way? ever? Don't get me wrong, I can be fun, but it is rare. My default setting is definitely 'stick in the mud'. It hasn't always been. and that is what really got me thinking.

When did I become no fun?

It started when I was pregnant with Alayna. I was 19. before that I was a happy fun loving teenager. crazy in love and sure life was going to go exactly as I had planned for it to. ( some call it naive, I call it optimistic) anyway, I was young and pregnant and people judge, and believe me I felt it, and noticed the looks, (the ones from my tummy to my ring finger and back again)and it took a toll on me and my self esteem, a toll that is felt for a long time. Still felt. I really think it was at that point that fun went out the window. Nobody takes a teen mom seriously, and definitely not a fun loving happy teen mom. I became serious, It doesn't take me two hands to list the number of times that I got on the floor and played with Alayna. If I was too happy or fun or playful, people would think I didn't understand the responsibility, or thought of her as a doll I was playing dress up with.

Which was definitely not true.

I was and am very aware of the responsibility. I just am afraid that I have gone way too far to the side of the serious. I need to make room for fun.

I need to find the me, within who I think people expect me to be.

I was married for over 7 years, and not that long ago Mike {(ex)husband} said to me "I don't think you have ever been 100% comfortable being yourself around me".

That is so true and so sad.

How different could everything be? with Mike, with my girls? with everyone?

would I feel known? would I let people in? would I let my guard down?

So I am starting with this post. I am not saying I am just going to loosen up, I am going to let myself be me. just me. not who you or "they" want me to be. just me.

a few of you know who that is.

I am going to find her again.

Why??

Why? why? why? .... I know we are not supposed to question, but why do these accidents happen? to loving mothers and fathers, who do everything in their power to protect and love their kids, why???

It absolutely breaks my heart to say that Benjamin passed to heaven last night. He is now eating marshmallows in Jesus' lap.


We all prayed hard for a miracle, now we need to pray just as hard for Ben's family {Dave, Steph, Gabe, Eli and baby Elise + extended family} While it is great comfort that little Ben is in heaven, that does not mean it doesn't hurt to be seperated, even with the promise of seeing him again....


Thank you for remembering them.



{Ben dressed as Theodore for Halloween 2009, his brothers were Alvin & Simon}

Keep 'em coming

Little Ben Ricketts now has a caringbridge site. read, comment & pray....

please pray...

I just learned that yesterday they found my friend Steph's 22 month old son not breathing with the cord from the blinds wrapped around his neck. He was airlifted and in critical condition, not breathing on his own, and they were monitoring brain activity.

The update from 4 hours ago said the last CT looked improved, and they are monitoring the swelling in his brain. Please pray for this little guy, his name is Ben.

spread the word.....

Westin~ism

because I don't want whining to be at the top of my blog:

Westin has been "training" for a 1 mile fun run

~9:39 to be exact.

much to her dissaproval they postponed the run due to flooding on the trail. {until Aug 28!!!}

She was not AT ALL happy about this.

and as she was fuming to me, she said

"I just don't understand why they couldn't just make it a dose-athon...

then we could just run and swim."

Took me a second to catch up with her thought process {!!!!}

then I laughed for quite awhile.

she is 8.

might whine a minute

ahhhh....the fighting... I am so tired of the fighting and arguing.

with the girls

amongst the girls (someday I will miss the sound, right?)

amongst the dogs

with the ex

with the adjustor and contractor

amongst the adjustor and contractor

and doing it by myself...

in other news, my brothers perfectly wonderful fiancee and I finished painting my fence yesterday.
related :: picket fences suck to paint.

Not to worry, I promise to be more cheerful in days to come.

picture run down

Things are happening around here. Difficulties all over. Nothing I can do about them, but this being an adult thing is WAY overrated. Hmmm... it will all be ok. It has to.

anyway.... I shall distract myself with a picture show.... Here we go....

We had a hail storm. This is the storm that launched a zillion knocks on my door, and a huge headache for most of Cedar Falls.

I got a snazzy new camera. still difficult to get 3 dogs in 1 picture.

Josh & Stacy had a shower. It was alot fun, and the wedding is coming right up!

So there is a quick little run down for ya. more to come.

changes.

I made some apperance changes to the blog. I really like it. I am hoping this prompts me to post more.

{This and I just got a crazy cool new camera}

More to come......

I don't personally know Beth but have been following her blog for two and a half years or so. Her blog is very real and yet very funny I would highly recomend checking it out....

AND I think it is great what her friends are doing for her. An on.line baby shower. very cool. We all could probably use a few more friends like the one's Beth has.

:::reminder:::

please don't forget about Kate Mcrae...



















today is the start of a horrible part this journey. 1 years worth of chemo in 6 days. 6 years old.

isolation. stem cell transplant. unimaginable for most of us.

It is not unimaginabe for her family, it is their real life....


















Holly & Aaron wish they didn't have to imagine it, let alone watch their little Kate live it.

But they are living it.

With grace and strength.

With God's help.

Please don't forget-pray for them.

what I found in my kitchen...

how cute is she?

true rottweiler video

Meet Hale, he is a very mean rottweiler as you can tell from this video:

::be sure to watch all of it::

Speaking of Josh & Stacy's wedding

Hey! You 4 readers of mine. check out Josh (my brother) & Stacy's wedding blog. Josh has been busying himself with it.

that's all.....

congratulations!

So my brother,Josh, who I tend to like very much, usually, when he's not throwing things at me, like green beans and such, got engaged on Saturday. Stacy , his fiance (that's fun to write) we love and treat her as a member of this messed up family. (yes. she occasionally gets food thrown at her too--it's a rite of passage) The proposal was perfect and very Josh like. I was proud of him.

So congrats Josh & Stace, looking forward to the big day!
and lots of fun between now & the big day!

at Red Rock in Colorado. nice little Photo-op.

Hanging out in Colorado, aren't they a cute couple? I hate them for it. you should join me....

*this is Stace showing her enthusiasm for their new PS3. she was excited to loose him to the basement to yet another gaming system...oh, wait that is a grimace, maybe not excited???

Westin's new love

hello again...

I know I kinda fell off the face of the earth this summer. You 3 readers of mine, rest assured...I am here, and I am alive.

I am going to try to change the way I think about blogging. I've been thinking that I can only blog when I have something big or exciting to say. I am going to try to do more random, everyday blogging. and maybe get some bigger thoughts out there. we'll see. I'm not generally one to share deep big feelings, but we'll see.

So...here's to a new leaf, new school year, new me????

kate mcrae's mom & dad

pray.pray.pray.

Please pray for my friends daughter.
tumor. brain cancer. aggressive. 5 yrs. old.





I do not understand it.










http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate