Friday, August 20, 2010

Random Ramblings ahead~

I am not a share-my-feelings-kind-of-girl, so, this post is a toughie to write.
But I had a thought the other night, while making my bed. I was climbing all over the bed trying to fit a down comforter into an IKEA duvet cover. usually I walk laps around the bed trying to get it to fit, this time i climbed and crawled all over the bed, and it was kinda fun. It got me thinking, why don't I do things the fun way? ever? Don't get me wrong, I can be fun, but it is rare. My default setting is definitely 'stick in the mud'. It hasn't always been. and that is what really got me thinking.
When did I become no fun?
It started when I was pregnant with Alayna. I was 19. before that I was a happy fun loving teenager. crazy in love and sure life was going to go exactly as I had planned for it to. ( some call it naive, I call it optimistic) anyway, I was young and pregnant and people judge, and believe me I felt it, and noticed the looks, (the ones from my tummy to my ring finger and back again)and it took a toll on me and my self esteem, a toll that is felt for a long time. Still felt. I really think it was at that point that fun went out the window. Nobody takes a teen mom seriously, and definitely not a fun loving happy teen mom. I became serious, It doesn't take me two hands to list the number of times that I got on the floor and played with Alayna. If I was too happy or fun or playful, people would think I didn't understand the responsibility, or thought of her as a doll I was playing dress up with.
Which was definitely not true.
I was and am very aware of the responsibility. I just am afraid that I have gone way too far to the side of the serious. I need to make room for fun.
I need to find the me, within who I think people expect me to be.
I was married for over 7 years, and not that long ago Mike {(ex)husband} said to me "I don't think you have ever been 100% comfortable being yourself around me".
That is so true and so sad.
How different could everything be? with Mike, with my girls? with everyone?
would I feel known? would I let people in? would I let my guard down?
So I am starting with this post. I am not saying I am just going to loosen up, I am going to let myself be me. just me. not who you or "they" want me to be. just me.
a few of you know who that is.
I am going to find her again.