Friday, August 20, 2010

Random Ramblings ahead~

I am not a share-my-feelings-kind-of-girl, so, this post is a toughie to write.
But I had a thought the other night, while making my bed. I was climbing all over the bed trying to fit a down comforter into an IKEA duvet cover. usually I walk laps around the bed trying to get it to fit, this time i climbed and crawled all over the bed, and it was kinda fun. It got me thinking, why don't I do things the fun way? ever? Don't get me wrong, I can be fun, but it is rare. My default setting is definitely 'stick in the mud'. It hasn't always been. and that is what really got me thinking.
When did I become no fun?
It started when I was pregnant with Alayna. I was 19. before that I was a happy fun loving teenager. crazy in love and sure life was going to go exactly as I had planned for it to. ( some call it naive, I call it optimistic) anyway, I was young and pregnant and people judge, and believe me I felt it, and noticed the looks, (the ones from my tummy to my ring finger and back again)and it took a toll on me and my self esteem, a toll that is felt for a long time. Still felt. I really think it was at that point that fun went out the window. Nobody takes a teen mom seriously, and definitely not a fun loving happy teen mom. I became serious, It doesn't take me two hands to list the number of times that I got on the floor and played with Alayna. If I was too happy or fun or playful, people would think I didn't understand the responsibility, or thought of her as a doll I was playing dress up with.
Which was definitely not true.
I was and am very aware of the responsibility. I just am afraid that I have gone way too far to the side of the serious. I need to make room for fun.
I need to find the me, within who I think people expect me to be.
I was married for over 7 years, and not that long ago Mike {(ex)husband} said to me "I don't think you have ever been 100% comfortable being yourself around me".
That is so true and so sad.
How different could everything be? with Mike, with my girls? with everyone?
would I feel known? would I let people in? would I let my guard down?
So I am starting with this post. I am not saying I am just going to loosen up, I am going to let myself be me. just me. not who you or "they" want me to be. just me.
a few of you know who that is.
I am going to find her again.


mariclemom said...

I really want to give you a hug. Even though we don't do that. Because I was there with the fun you, and then when she went away. {Punch on the shoulder} - {Wiping my eyes a bit}
I know who that is, and I know she is in there. (I still see her from time to time!) What can I do to help?

Proud_grammaconnie said...

I love the kid you were and the kid you can be again. Let'er fly sis! I love the mom/daughter that you are and I will hug you next time I see you, so get ready!
Getting old-mandatory
Growing up-optiona
always a kid-pricless
Love ya, Mom

Beckyb said...

One thing I always remember about Sara is that is a TON of fun. That is you - the REAL you - it's just that life gets in the way. Oh how I hear you - it all resonates with me too - I used to be MUCH more fun - then came marriage, kids, schooling, work, BILLS and ask Joe now how fun I am - NOT VERY. But I am trying too - we are fun - we just need to let it out!!! Love ya girl!! So do I get a hug the next time I see you too!?!?!? (It can be our stab at "fun"!!!)

Anonymous said...

Randomly checked your page. I can relate. Nate says how fun I used to be, and then kids, marriage , blah blah blah. I only have 1 little Beth, but seem to have a world of problems. We can do it, Sara! Maybe no Red Bull today, but we can take one day at a time. Smile for the simple things in life, LIFE IS GOOD!!! I love working with you *hollie*

Manda (+2) said...

I've had a blog post like this sitting in my out box for five months now unpublished. I so feel ya. I wanna find that fun-loving, fly by the seat of your pants me again. I know she's in there, I've repressed her. Life has a way of doing that. I want to find pure joy in the little things in life.

I just noticed this was Aug. of last year. - how is your quest going?